Extending Empathy: Do I have to care or even like you?

At a conference recently, someone asked me a question that I noticed made the room a bit uncomfortable:

"Do you actually need to care about someone to empathize with them?"

My answer surprised a few people.

No.

At least not in the way most people mean "care." I think we've started to confuse empathy with liking people.

We often talk about empathy as if it's reserved for our spouses, closest friends, favorite coworkers and people who are easy to love. Somewhere along the way, we started acting like empathy requires warmth, affection, agreement, or intimate, emotional closeness.

But that's not what empathy is.

Empathy is the ability to recognize and understand another person's experience, even if it doesn’t align with your experiences. It's the willingness to see another human being as human. You do not have to like someone to do that.

You are not going to like everyone you encounter in life. I think it’s impossible. Some people will annoy you. Some people will challenge your values. Some people will communicate in ways that frustrate you. Some people will hurt you, betray you. Lie. Cheat.

And yet, empathy is still available.

For example, I can disagree with you and still recognize your fear. I can be frustrated with you and still recognize your disappointment. I can hold you accountable and still recognize your struggle. I can set boundaries with you and still recognize your humanity.

Empathy is not agreement. Empathy is not approval. Empathy is not excusing behavior. Empathy is not giving someone unlimited access to your life. Empathy is simply the decision not to dehumanize another person and walk alongside them instead.

One of the reasons empathy can feel difficult is because we assume it requires emotional intimacy. We think we have to feel deep affection, trust or connection before we can empathize.

But empathy doesn't belong only in close relationships. Here’s a starting list:

• It belongs in hospitals.

• It belongs in classrooms.

• It belongs in public service.

• It belongs in customer service.

• It belongs in communities.

• It belongs in industrial environments.

• It belongs in leadership. Especially in leadership.

And this is where I think the conversation changes things.

While empathy itself does not require me to like someone, leadership requires something more. Leadership requires me to care.

Not because every employee becomes my friend. Or because I enjoy every personality. Nor do I agree with every decision they make. But because the moment I accept responsibility for leading people, I accept responsibility for their success, development and wellbeing. I have to care about that. Leaders have to care about that.

I don't have to like every person on my team. I rarely have. I do have to care whether they succeed. Whether they have clarity. I do have to care whether they are treated fairly. I do have to care whether they have the support and accountability necessary to grow.

Leadership is not friendship. Leadership is stewardship.

That's why empathy and accountability are not opposites. In fact, the best leaders use both.

Empathy helps me understand what someone is experiencing and to make a choice; do I take action here or just listen? Accountability helps me address what needs to happen next — if anything at all.

Without empathy, accountability can become harsh and dehumanizing. Without accountability, empathy can become enabling and ineffective.

Strong leaders learn to hold both. But it’s not always been easy to learn or do.

The challenge I often give people is this:

Let go of the need to like everyone.

You don't have to. You never will.

Instead, challenge yourself to care about people's humanity. Challenge yourself to remain curious about their experience. And to remember that every person you encounter is carrying a story you don't fully understand.

Here’s the deal, empathy isn't about creating connection only with the people who are easy to love.

It's about recognizing the humanity of people who are difficult, different, frustrating, wounded, imperfect and sometimes even harmful.

That's where empathy becomes a leadership skill. Where it becomes a practice. And that's where empathy has the power to change how we show up in the world.